Godzilla Vs Monster 0

I'm just going to put this out there: at one point in this movie Godzilla dances an Irish Jig.

Now that I've blown your mind with the explosive headline, let me backtrack for a second and provide some context for that amazing statement. Godzilla (the giant lizard) and Rodan (the giant pterodactyl) have been transported across space in blue cocoons tethered to the udders on the bottom of a very cheap looking plastic space ship. Incidentally, it turns out that Godzilla in space looks a lot like Godzilla, but that when brown Rodan folds his big brown wings around his body and he’s enveloped in a semi-transparent blue covering he looks exactly like a dog turd in a poop-bag. Anyway, they have been summoned to Planet X – you know, the planet that’s been hiding behind Jupiter’s dark side this whole time - to try to stop King Ghidorah (AKA Monster Zero, a three headed winged dragon thing) before he destroys all of the cities on the planet. 

After Godizlla and Rodan have been released from their space travel poop bags it isn't long before the shit goes down. Ghidorah attacks them almost immediately, and even though Ghidorah has no arms, he proves to be quite a handful. At one point Godzilla finds a spare boulder and kicks it hard into Ghidorah’s sternum and neck, scaring the gold beast away. When he sees that he has triumphed over his foe Godzilla kicks off the ground with his right leg while swinging his left arm and left leg to the right, then he lands, kicks off with his left leg and swings his right arm and right leg to the left. He dances a dance of joy. And it is a goddamn miracle to see, the sort of thing that you rewind and watch again and again.

Sure, other stuff happens in this movie. Godzilla will fight Ghidorah a few more times after that initial scuffle, and the people of Planet X will prove to be rather different from how they initially present themselves. But the same way that the rest of the paintings in the Louvre do not matter nearly as much as the Mona Lisa, you don't need to hear about the other 87 minutes of this movie once you have heard about that dance number. There is just no competing with a skyscraper sized lizard dancing like a drunk leprechaun in a fake-ass lunar landing zone. If the sound of that touchdown celebration doesn't tell you everything you need to know, well, I don't need to know you.

Winner: Me