Big Ass Spider

Let's play a little game of good news / bad news.

The good news first: Big Ass Spider lives up to it's name: there is a spider in the movie and it has a big ass. In fact, it's ass becomes a plot point, because the spinneret where the spider's web comes out is it's only vulnerable spot. The movie culminates with a local exterminator aiming a bazooka at a spider's butthole and praying that his crazy plan works. [Spoiler alert: it does. Torpedoing somebody's tailpipe with an exploding projectile tends to be fatal.]  I always give these movies points for truth in advertising, so I have to give some kudos to Big Ass Spider.

The bad news is that this movie made me nostalgic for Nude For Satan, which is not a good sign, because Nude For Satan is not exactly high class cinema. In case you're somebody who has been living under a rock and you've never heard of Nude For Satan, which is a not very popular movie from a few generations ago, I should explain that it is a movie that features nudity and Satan, and also at one point it has a giant spider in it. Both Big Ass Spider and Nude For Satan are "the title tells you everything you need to know" movies, but Nude For Satan is a lot more entertaining, because it uses it's giant spider as a garnish and not as a main dish. I like the occasional oversize arachnid, but they are definitely better when they are buttressed with boobs and Beelzebubs than they are on their own, where they are a little bland.

Yes, spiders possess an innate creepiness to them - there's something about their eight black eyes that's innately unsettling. But the truth is that they've been done before: there was Arachnophobia, of course, as well as Eight Legged Freaks, but they also pop up in older B-movies like Journey to the 7th Planet. And that's before you get into spider-y monsters, like the MUTO that Godzilla fought earlier this year, which was probably a giant insect, but wasn't that much different from a giant spider when you come right down to it. There's nothing wrong with a giant murderous spider, but just throwing a big ass on a spider isn't enough to make it something novel, and this sort of movie only excels when it feels novel.

To that end, the absolute predictability of Big Ass Spider makes it a bore. It's got a story we've seen before, it's jokes aren't funny (and occasionally border on racist), and it's characters aren't people - it falls into every pitfall that a b-movie can fall into, without even having the dignity to be inept enough to be laughable. It's the sort of workmanlike product that exemplifies the modern low budget monster movie, a Bloodmonkey that just happens to feature a spider instead of a monkey. I can't trash it too hard because it wore it's limited ambitions on it's sleeve and I still watched it anyway, but I will say this: if it had complimented it's big-ass spider with a nude-ass woman and a red-ass Satan, it would have made me a lot happier.

Winner: The Cat

Big Ass Spider on IMDB